My client, Walt, was declining, but doing okay and living on his own in his own home. Then he took a turn for the worse and ended up in the hospital and then in a nursing facility about 90 minutes away from his home. Besides being large, loud, angry and demanding to go home, he also had an open wound that was being treated.

I think he needed to be there, but the wound was healing well and he had someone to take him to all of his medical appointments, so he started calling me several times a week to see what we could do to get him out of there. He claimed that they wouldn’t let him leave, and that his sons had taken his wallet and ID and wouldn’t give them back.

It wasn’t a good situation, but I told him that they couldn’t hold him there against his will unless he was a danger to himself or others — and he wasn’t.

I told him that I previously had a client who was told by the hospital staff that he would die at the sidewalk if he left, but he called me and told me to meet him at the sidewalk with his trust amendment, and he’d sign there before his ex-wife took him off to her house. We signed the papers on the sidewalk, and then he got in the car with his ex and went home.  He ended up living for a few more years without being hospitalized again.

No, that’s not what I encourage, but Walt wasn’t a good patient, and was causing problems for himself by fighting with everyone. He claimed that whenever he walked near the door, eight employees would block his path, but then his friend went to see him a week later and the two of them just walked right out and his friend gave him a ride home.

But, he was broke financially because his son had taken his ID, wallet, and checkbook, and told the bank not to give him access to his accounts because he had dementia. Walt didn’t have dementia, but he also didn’t have access to his own money.

Reports to Adult Protective Services are anonymous, but he thinks his son was the one who reported him in danger. After the social workers paid Walt a surprise visit, their only comment was that he needed to install grip bars in the shower and by the toilet. He agreed, but had no access to his bank account to be able to pay a handyman for the work.

I spoke with Walt on several different occasions, and he seemed to be okay mentally, so I told him to come into the office where we spoke for another 90 minutes. He was angry, but clear headed. He wanted to give me the unpleasant task of getting his sons to give him back his ID and wallet and checkbook.

He son, unfortunately, replied that he would convene a family meeting to discuss the request with his siblings. Then I had to inform the son that withholding his father’s personal items and denying him access to his own funds was likely financial elder abuse, and he might be subjected to both fines and a term in prison. I told him that it wasn’t a good idea to deny his father’s wishes, and that he had two days to return everything.

I’m sure that the son wasn’t pleased with me, but everything got returned to Walt promptly.

What about you? Will your kids fight against you? Will they help you maintain your independence and return to your own home?

The son was so frustrated that he said that he didn’t care whether Walt died, and that he didn’t care about getting any inheritance. So why was he fighting so hard against his father’s wishes?

If you have adult children, you probably realize that you don’t always agree with each other on every issue, but will they try to impose their own wishes upon you, or will they try to help you live the life you want?

I wrote the original piece for this article several weeks ago, but a recent client made me think I should write something more.

The original piece talked about a daughter who seemed greedy and wanted to act against her disabled brother to get more money for herself. This was against the wishes of the parents, but the mother had died, and the father was in a rapid decline and just left dazed by his daughter’s spiteful intent against her disabled brother. The daughter was trying to use her authority, against the wishes of her parents, to enrich herself and financially harm her disabled brother.

Here, we’re talking about a different angle. This is the diligent daughter who becomes overbearing and uses her authority in a manner to control her own father.

The wife of my client is in severe decline and needs constant care, so the parents moved in with the daughter in the home that they had helped her buy, and that the parents had remodeled at the expense of the parents. Now, the daughter, who had taken over the finances, was constantly haranguing her father about him spending money on his hobby. Yes, every expenditure of even one dollar was questioned and challenged.

The father told me, “I’ve gained an accountant, but lost a daughter. I’m living in a kind of hell.”

Is the father in decline? No. Is he broke or near broke? No.

As an elder law attorney, I observe my clients to see how they’re doing. I watch how they walk and I observe their gait. How do they talk? Can they hear okay? How are they dressed? Can they pull out their own chair? Can they stand up from their chair unassisted? Do they have hearing aids but forget to bring them or don’t replace the battery? I look for subtle clues of decline or potential problems.

In one case, a man who was always nicely dressed came to see me a few months after his wife died, and he wasn’t dressed in his normal fashion. Maybe his wife had always made sure he was dressed properly and wore pressed shirts, so that change wasn’t a major concern, but it was also apparent that the man hadn’t bathed in quite some time. That fact was a trigger for me. What was going on? I had known the couple for many years, and the husband was a local businessman who was well known and well respected.

The change I noted in his personal hygiene was an alarm for me. Why had he stopped bathing? Had his daughter, who lived an hour away, noticed and commented? Was he depressed that his wife of more than 60 years was now gone? Did he no longer care? Was he giving up on life?

He became ill soon after the visit, and died a couple of months later. I’ll always have a lot of unanswered questions about him.

But, back to the initial story. My client was in his early 90s. Was he frail and failing? No. He moved quickly and pulled out his own chair, and described all the facts to me. He was mentally sharp and very clear about what he wanted.

The client still owned his main house and, although he and his disabled wife lived with their daughter so that the wife could have both family and outside caregivers, the husband visited the main house often because they had lived there for many decades, and he missed the place. It was his paradise.

Was he broke? No. Far from it. He had nearly a million dollars in the bank, no debt, and he had a great pension.

Somewhere the line was crossed from the daughter being helpful, to being controlling, and taking away a lot of her father’s enjoyment and his freedom to make his own decisions without being needlessly grilled and lectured by his own daughter. Like he had told me, he gained an accountant, but lost a daughter.

Back by popular demand, The Free Public Forum part II on Dementia and Alzheimer’s. We invited the experts back to Morgan Hill, CA to speak and answer your questions. These public Forums are very educational. We will continue to bring Dementia and Alzheimer’s awareness to the community. Please find us on Facebook and Google + for more information about future events.

March 2017 in Morgan Hill, California, attorney James A. Ward sponsored a free public forum on Dementia and Alzheimer’s. He invited two local experts in the field to speak on the subject; Tiffany Mikles who has over 20 years of experience working with seniors and training care providers; and Dr. Gary Steinke M.D., founder of the San Jose Alzheimer’s Activity Center. Both speakers have immense knowledge on the disease and both speakers share a passion for helping and educating the public. James Ward is an Estate Planning and Elder Law attorney who meets clients every day and has seen firsthand the reality and the struggle for families watching a loved one decline. His passion for helping clients prompted the idea of sponsoring the first public forum on Dementia and Alzheimer’s in Morgan Hill, CA, and many of the attendees requested more forums in the future, so Mr. Ward plans on holding two forums each year.