I wrote the original piece for this article several weeks ago, but a recent client made me think I should write something more.
The original piece talked about a daughter who seemed greedy and wanted to act against her disabled brother to get more money for herself. This was against the wishes of the parents, but the mother had died, and the father was in a rapid decline and just left dazed by his daughter’s spiteful intent against her disabled brother. The daughter was trying to use her authority, against the wishes of her parents, to enrich herself and financially harm her disabled brother.
Here, we’re talking about a different angle. This is the diligent daughter who becomes overbearing and uses her authority in a manner to control her own father.
The wife of my client is in severe decline and needs constant care, so the parents moved in with the daughter in the home that they had helped her buy, and that the parents had remodeled at the expense of the parents. Now, the daughter, who had taken over the finances, was constantly haranguing her father about him spending money on his hobby. Yes, every expenditure of even one dollar was questioned and challenged.
The father told me, “I’ve gained an accountant, but lost a daughter. I’m living in a kind of hell.”
Is the father in decline? No. Is he broke or near broke? No.
As an elder law attorney, I observe my clients to see how they’re doing. I watch how they walk and I observe their gait. How do they talk? Can they hear okay? How are they dressed? Can they pull out their own chair? Can they stand up from their chair unassisted? Do they have hearing aids but forget to bring them or don’t replace the battery? I look for subtle clues of decline or potential problems.
In one case, a man who was always nicely dressed came to see me a few months after his wife died, and he wasn’t dressed in his normal fashion. Maybe his wife had always made sure he was dressed properly and wore pressed shirts, so that change wasn’t a major concern, but it was also apparent that the man hadn’t bathed in quite some time. That fact was a trigger for me. What was going on? I had known the couple for many years, and the husband was a local businessman who was well known and well respected.
The change I noted in his personal hygiene was an alarm for me. Why had he stopped bathing? Had his daughter, who lived an hour away, noticed and commented? Was he depressed that his wife of more than 60 years was now gone? Did he no longer care? Was he giving up on life?
He became ill soon after the visit, and died a couple of months later. I’ll always have a lot of unanswered questions about him.
But, back to the initial story. My client was in his early 90s. Was he frail and failing? No. He moved quickly and pulled out his own chair, and described all the facts to me. He was mentally sharp and very clear about what he wanted.
The client still owned his main house and, although he and his disabled wife lived with their daughter so that the wife could have both family and outside caregivers, the husband visited the main house often because they had lived there for many decades, and he missed the place. It was his paradise.
Was he broke? No. Far from it. He had nearly a million dollars in the bank, no debt, and he had a great pension.
Somewhere the line was crossed from the daughter being helpful, to being controlling, and taking away a lot of her father’s enjoyment and his freedom to make his own decisions without being needlessly grilled and lectured by his own daughter. Like he had told me, he gained an accountant, but lost a daughter.